But for now for I am Back to square one ground zero... I am at the beginning again, tabula rasa. It's time for me and my sketchbooks and solitude. It's rewind fast forward shake and repeat. A funny process... But one I can do...Even if at times the process can be dark and filled with uncertainty. I know I have to be the ONE to push myself and continue to believe in myself it's all I have really... I mean I know I have been lucky to find some really wonderful people who believe in my work enough to give me solo shows and such and for all that I am truly grateful. But at the end of the day I am in my head alone fighting my demons off as they are trying tell me why bother at times telling me that's not good stop doing that why bother and so on and so fourth...I think most creative people struggle at times with this its human heck everyone deals with it in slightly different ways to however it pertains to their reality... So we are all connected and similar yet we all seem to have those moments where you feel so by yourself so lost so forgotten or so uncertain. I think those voices, those demons going on inside actually can be a blessing in disguise... see the way I have been approaching it is this.. having that doubting voice trying to deter you from your dreams and goals can actually make you
fight harder making even better work than if you were totally certain of things and everyone loved you..so by living with that self doubt or uncertainty of others it can be a driving force in the continuous act of moving forward making stuff... topping yourself showing those demons a thing or two. Battling it out for all these years I managed to come this far so I think can managed to keep going on further even if at times I challenge myself to quit all this nonsense of making art that is the jerk face angie part that is pretty small in my head but sometimes it does show itself to me which is yes VERY annoying.
In my process and creative path in the beginning when I am starting over I tend to get nostalgic and look back over all I have done. This looking back always helps me look forward and gives me balance in the end...so yes recently I find myself looking back... and besides any of the silly hair or phases I may have gone through when I was younger and older too... What I really see that comes through is I ALWAYS no matter how all alone in this world I was, ALWAYS had my art... it surrounded my life for so long ... its comforting looking back and seeing that I really stuck to a path of living a creative life expressing myself as a visual artist and sometimes verbal too since I have writing modes with my creative spurts.
Here is the part I get sappy so cover your ears if you get nauseated by that sort of thing...It makes me feel proud having such dedication since I know how difficult it has been in the beginning and knowing how in similar circumstances growing up many have just thrown those dreams away... But I stuck to it and I am and was always really tenacious when it came to my dreams of wanting to be and being an artist. I am not sure exactly where this post is going its more of a therapeutic rant about those nasty feelings of uncertainty and fighting them. But here you see these old photos from when I was really just beginning my creative life seriously and I see a strength during what was probably some of the most uncertain times of my life so far so to see that I was able to find peace in making my work and continue on with it through out all the crap well I guess looking back on to that makes me feel hopeful for any moment of uncertainty I may feel now a days especially when I have come so far and I should keep fighting for it and not give up or stop dreaming making art gives me life and has helped in so many ways none of which have to do with economics or being popular in some scene its about being whole as a person.
See part of my process is going through a meditative reflective state... taking account of everything letting it soak in then letting it go and transform into new ideas but going through this state is not always fun... it can have moments of depression and withdrawal and what feel like creative dry spells... its just part of the process... This post is a reminder to me and to anyone else out there who can relate don't give into seemingly dark spells you are in push through it there is light past the darkness where new ideas and fertile soil can grow your thoughts to realities as long as you keep tending to them... they will grow they will become real that goes for any thing really if you are focused on something you can make it real by working toward it being dedicated to it.
I realize that after going through it plenty of times... cycling out... allowing myself to be lost in order to be found... that is the path I am on... It makes me feel anxious at times like I am not doing enough but I need to just step back take a look around and not beat myself up. Live and let life draw up some new inspirations. I have so much sorting to do still with even mundane shit like cleaning up my studio and shipping art to doing my goddamn laundry.... I have been lagging in my tasks.. perhaps its part of the fear involved with creation of whats next, the unknown etc etc. I need to just stop thinking and be in that moment.
Just Be and Do. A Wise boy I know told me that many years ago ;)